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<!--%%text_11%%06-29-00... I am so sorry to all my devoted readers but i have been so busy. one word... RELATIONSHIP!!!!! yeah i got a new guy in my life, for once i think i am really happy. i am having the time of my life this summer and have so much stuff to do and have done. umm, let me see well, jonny, o by the way first names now and no initials!!!, he is great. We have gone on like one official date and that was after we meet once. yesterday was our two week aniversory (sp?). yeah one date in two weeks. let me explain a little, i went to my grandma's house and to laughlin, nevada. so i had to call him like every day and thats how we survived. so like when i got back we were supposed to do all this stuff but for some unknown reason he can't do stuff, grounded. doesn't want to tell me why, o well. so like i am loving the phone thing and i am leaving for another like 5 days so i'll do the phone thing again. but when i get beck we may be going camping!! yeah way cool, the two of us in a tent!! no nothing will happen but i will have time to really get to know him. and as far as i'm concerned we have like already made it throught the hard week apart and still have like this killer silent phone conversation thing. i can't get over how great and how hot he is cause he is like the hottest thing in the word. i can't believe it. the first day we met it was way awesome, we didn't really talk that much but we had that silent fun and we stared each other up and down. yeah he is the cutest. and then what well he called me and thats that, we hit it off and we want to stick it out for a really long time i hope, but i have learned from a really really good friend, jennifer that i can't set my sites that high cause like it may blow up in my face and it may not work out, who really care huh? i am having so much fun. it is so cool, i have never been this happy in my life!! so well i have to like hit it i got stuff to do and little time to do it. so sorry about the shortness but i really have had like no time to do stuff and i really am just trying to absorb life!! so let say bye bye bye for now!!\n\n\n%%-->
<!--%%text_14%%06-12-00... Well i have to say that my week has been very busy because i haven't had a chance to post anything or even say i couldn't post anything, so sorry everyone who reads it daily. todays should make up for it. i'm going to recap the last few days and then tell you what will happen today because like it is only noon so i still have half the day to live. well i think my last update was the seventh so that means i have the eigth to start with. okay well on the 8th i was still in Aromas so JF and i woke up and got all the freaks out of the house. we got ready and drove to Santa Cruz. we shopped around there and then he took me to where my mom was and dropped me off and me and my mom drove home. so we got home like at 6 and we were really tired so we jsut layed around and did nothing. that was thursday. then on friday i got up like at 9:30 and got ready to go to the airport. i had to go and pick up my grandma. her flight was on time and everything so i have no good airport stories like the last time i went there. so after we picked her up we went to my sisters house and said hi and then came home. well my dad wanted to go check out the sale going on at the florin jcpenny outlet, so we drove down there. it was scary, very bad neighborhood. well i ended up getting two pairs of shorts and a pair of sandles that make me like 6'3" almost, they are scary. well we came home and then what?? umm i hate having a bad memory. it sucks. well i think we just hung out and ate dinner and did nothing. we had to get up like at 7 on saturday to go drive to atwater for my cousins graduation party, from 8th grade WOW. so we drove down there and i ate like a PIG, i never eat that much. i had two huge like footlong sandwiches, two platefulls of fruit salad, a plate of salad, half a can of olives, four pieces of cake, and then 2 grild cheese sandwiches, and another piece of cake, and i forgot the bowl of cereal and toast in the morning. so i was full. at the party nothing big happened. i got to play around with my cousin that lives in sacramento video camera. its pretty cool i want one now. well my cousin who graduated got freaking 175 dollars in cash then 50 gift certificate, and not to mention the money she got before so she had a grand total of like 335 dollars, for freaking graduation. i got nothing from my 8th grade graduation, it sucked. well i got over it and went to my grandparents house to say hi, and we talked and i got to check my mail and talked to JR. she still is the coolest person i know, that for you JR. umm okay then i came home and ummm let me think, i went online and checked my mail and chatted a little then my mom, myself, and my grandma went down to my aunts house to visit for the evening. then i got to look at my cousins yearbook and see everyone i know and see how much they have changed. well we came home from that and what did i do, umm i ate some cake and then i watched tv, and then went to bed and chatted for a little while. then sunday i got up like at 10 and got ready, then i called JR. i had plans to go to the mall with her and T but when i called, she was grounded. i still have to find put why and stuff but i don't think she is grounded anymore. so let me see after that i was really pissed and had nothing to do so me and my dad went golfing, and that was good cause i shot a 99 and that was the first time i stayed under 100. well we came home and then what, o yeah before we went golfing we went to blockbuster and bought me a second copy of the movie Cruel Intentions, so when i wear my first one out i have a second copy!!! how cool huh? well when we got home i ate and then watched tv listened to music and chatted i believe. then i ate again and my uncle showed up and he hung out for a while but i was still chatting so i didn't visit. then he left and i went upstairs and pluged my headphones into the stero and started to watch the matrix. watched that and ate cake and then i got up talked to my mom and then went to bed and no one was online so i went to bed, and plus the medicine i had taken puts you to sleep so i had like no control over my muscles and couldn't even hold my head up, it was a cool feeling. well then this morning i got up like at 11:30 and no one was home, but my mom left me like a list of things to do so i did a few of those things and i ate. then i finished up somemore of those thing and then i came into my room and checked my mail, noticed that JR wanted me to update my diary so i came in here and did that. well thats the wrap up except i avoided the J issue and what i am doing the rest of the day. wanna know? well i will tell you regaurdless. J is this guy JR knows that she told me about and i want to go out with. JR's best friend T knows J really well so she said he is a good guy and i should call him. so i did call him like on what day saturday but he wasn't home and he won't be home until later tonight so i have to wait until then and let the suspense build. scary for me but i don't know why i am totally freaked. i just want everything to be perfect i guess. well also i have a ton of stuff to do around the house cause we have my aunt and uncle from missouri with there three kids coming tomorrow so i have to childproff the house and stuff and clean and all this shit work, and i want to call J and then i will call JR and talke to her for like and hour or longer so that will be good. and i want to make plans to do something like wensday through like saturday before i leave to barstow to go get my car, a 1978 corvette. yeah i know what a great first car huh? well i should post this and get back to work, love ya all and thanks for taking the time ot read this.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n%%-->
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<!--%%text_17%%06-07-00... yeah again i am going to say what did i do today? well i don't have to do that today so lets start. i ended up staying up late and listening to the cd KP made for me. Thanks again for that KP i really loved it and of course you know what happened the first time i listened to it, well multiply by like 10 because i am in aromas and close to that person that i was crying over. thanks again for that and i really like it alot. okay back on track now, i finally got to sleep and then like no time at all i was up and it was like 7. so everyone was up and getting ready for work except for me and JF. so i got up and hoped in the shower. i got ready like in record time and TR left and then SF left (the people we are staying with). well i was up and then like was sitting around for my mom to get ready and o' my god, guess who walked in... JF, in just his shorts with no shirt!! okay yeah i know i get on little high trips. well i was just sitting around and my mom actually left by this time. JF came back in and then went up the spiral stairs to his parents room to take a shower. i happened to notice that he only had the stuff he had on (still shitless) and a towel. after a while i was sitting on the couch under the stairs and hear JF coming to start down the stairs. i looked up and o' my god again. yeah you know it huh... i saw it yes i did, it was like the best moment. well yeah that was great, he was just wrapped in a towel and thats it nothing else. small towel too. he also didn't just go straight outside and to his room he hung out a little bit and sat down and watched the show i was watch, i can't even remember what it was now because i was on such a high that nothing else was important. then he went out to his room and then i just started to do my own thing and got a little preoccupide with time and finnaly realized i was hungry. so i went out and told JF we need to run to mc donalds and get some food. so we did and someone was at the house when we got back. AS!!!! yeah i know what can you say?? he was really cool and i really just kinda melted because i really needed to see him. well after we hung around the house for a while we decided we should go do something so we went to the aquarium, and then to 17 mile drive and the carmel beach. we rushed through all that stuff cause we really wanted to get back to the house, where we were ataying so we could hang out with a bunch of these people (guys mainly). Well we knew my mom and JF parents weren't going to be home because they were staying at some people's house in capitola. okay so we got back to like the house around 1 i think (yeah quick trip) and we called all these people. about 10 or 11 guys showed up and then there was AS, JF, and me so thats like 13, 14 people. it was great, see these are guys i know inside and out and we know more about each other than we know about ourselves. Lets see there was three str8 guys and the rest of them were either gay or bi of course. JF is one of the str8 guys and thats why it was so weird to see him so comfy around me that morning in nothing but his towel. see i don't think of these guys as anything more than just the guys, i don't even count them as people who know that i am gay because really they don't care and half of them are still in the closet, just like me. so we just roughed around, and listened to some music. KP thanks again for that CD i had Adam listen to it with me and we both were in tears, as well as everyone else. it has like these two songs by the dixie chicks on it that are really really the most amazing songs in the world and really applied kinda to mine and AS situation. so you want to get to the intersting part?? well let me see... um we all decided to get ready to go to the beach in carmel. we were all like tired and everyone had just eaten. so we get ready and there are guys in just towels, nothing at all, the bathroom door is open with one guy in the shower a guy taking a piss and two guys in front of the mirror. get the picture?? well i have to have privacy so i took a shower in the upstairs room and had a peacefull shower. when i came down the stairs, guess who was on the couch shoving his tounge dowm some guys throught?? yeah AS. he jumped up and started to the stairs to explain and i walked down the stairs, and right up to him, gave him the biggest kiss i could give him and then squeezed my hand as tight as i could carried it up and back and hit him right bellow his left eye. shit it hurt my hand!! it bruised and turned colors like right away, and of course everyone stared at the whole thing. so as a rescue JF came and told the guy AS was tounging to leave and told AS to get the hell out of here. so that made me feel better that a str8 guy came to my rescue. everyone was happy to see AS leave because he is such a bastard now, and he is just not a good guy. everyone has been played by him and i just feel into the trap. okay so we finished getting ready and we all pilled into these few cars, and drove to carmel. when we got there it was pitch black dark but we had the flash light thing going on so we could still see. i just kinda hung out with JF the whole time because i was like pissed and happy and everything at once and the fact that he came to my rescue was like amazing. so everyone else basicly had there significant other with them and went and did there own thing but there was a group of like 4 people excluding me and JF that were going to sit and chat right by the water. so i wasn't in the mood to talk and i knew they were going to talk about the one thing i didn't want to and that was AS. so JF said "do you wanna walk" and i said yeah. we walked along the beach with the waves crashing on our feet and he did one thing i never would have suspected, he grabed my hand and held it. he told me that i looked like i needed someone and he was there for me but not to expect a sexual relationship and not even a boyfriend type thing, because he's str8 with bi sexual tendencies. so we walked hand in hand and then we sat down and he did exactly what i needed held me. i started to cry and he just sat there saying its going to be alright and that everything is going to be okay. well i fell asleep on him, and the next thing i no he is lifting me up to carry me to the car. he was having difficulty lifting me but it was the thought that counts right? so i leaned on him and he put his arm around me and we walked to the car. we pilled in, and me and him sat together and he told me to lay down and put my head in his lap and to go to sleep. so we drove back and unloaded. we went into the house and guys started to strip to there boxers left and right. we grabbed all the pillows off the couches and the sleeping mats they had and made one giant bed in the living room. only like three guys left after the beach. we all just layed around just kinda having deep thoughts and conversations. we had mellow music on low and lights out with the candles lite. i told JF that i needed to type somemore so he and i came into the office room. i poped open the laptop and started to type this. i layed on my stomach and he "stradled" me in a non-sexual way and gave me the best freaking back massage i have ever had in my life. he's still working all the nots out and reading over my sholder. well it is time for us to start to talk somemore and i want to have some conversation with JF, so i will post and go. love you all. bye bye bye hey i forogt to tell you that when we went to the 17 mile drive i saw so many freaking nice houses that i want to move there. i will maybe scan some of the flyers in and the pictures i took, and post them with the diary entries soon. it was really nice. i hope you guys like this stuff i know it is long but it is my life and i want to charish it forever. love you all bye bye bye\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n%%-->
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<!--%%text_20%%06-06-00... Well days not quite over but i feel like doing this now so why not right? i got up really early today, well for me i mean, 7:00. i didn't really have much of a reason to get up that early but i just wanted to. umm let me see what did i do today??? well i layed around and watched some infomertials. then i did what? damn i hate this i can't remember what i did. i ate some cereal for breakfast and then i got ready. i got all gussied up and put on all of my jewlry; 5 rings, my watch, and three braclets. for what you ask... to simply drive to auto zone and had the truck fixed. that took like half an hour and then we went to our house and hung out while we waited for my sis and my dad to call. we invited my sis to have lunch with us when we went down to trader joe's. she said she was to busy and then my dad called and was amazed we got the car fixed. after that we went took the cans in and got 16 bucks. we went to trader joe's (a specialty grocerey and wine store) and we got some basic stuff and some wine. we went home after that and then spent like the next hour packing and getting stuff ready around the house so that we could leave my dad home and my mom and i could go to aromas and santa cruz for a couple days. so i moved the answering machine and put one on my own phone line and turned my ringer off so my dad wouldn't have to worry about my phone ringing off the hook. then i set timers for all the shows i am going to miss, the seasom premiere of real world and road rules, the brittnay in hawaii concert, and the mtv movie awards on thursday. we should really be back before that but thats a just in case situation. i don't remember what other pointless things i did but i spent alot of time packing. i am one of those people who takes like three full, packed, stuffed bags for like two nights. i can't leave with out everything. i brought the laptop, cds, discman, book, hair stuff, bathroom stuff, like 6 shirts, 2 pairs of pants, 3 pairs of shorts, my bathing suit and a white shirt, then what else umm like thats it, i forgot about my planner that is like a freaking huge thing. and then i have my stuff on and my jewlry, and all my linens that i have to have pillow and two fuzzy blankets. well i drove all the way to were we are stayong, thats like 192 miles and like 3 hours and 40 minutes. i only had to make one stop the whole way and had no major incidents. well we got here in one piece and are just hanging out. i am ready for bed and it is only like 9 oclock. well i will write about my exciting day tomorrow at santa cruz and then to capitola and the monteray bay aquarium, and we are going out to lunch with the people that are having us at out house. they said that the humpbacks are just off the coast of moss landing and we are going to see that. well got to run, love you all, and bye bye bye. hey there are some people i want to say hi to... DM and CH you too are going to be great together, and don't worry you guys will always be friends no matter what i have to do. and JR i really miss hanging with you and i want to get together with you and meet J okay?? KP you are awesome and we are going to get you in the studio super soon after we finish all the lyrics kay?? new zealand crew hope you are having fun, and AP you are a sick person but i still love ya. AG haven't heard from you :-( and i don't want to say anything to anyone else. and i want you all to know that the best people are your friends. and my friends are the best and i love to see you all happy. bye bye bye, love ya\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n%%-->
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<!--%%text_23%%06-05-00... well to tell you all the truth i don't even really know what happened today. sure i did stuff but what? well i got up around 9:30 and then what??? i checked my mail and my web site, then went out and started to clean some windows. then i vacumed, checked to see if anyone was online. then i chatted for a while with some people and then i painted, and then signed off. painted why my mom went to the title company, and then signed back on. chatted worked on the site, signed of. went to the store and got food. came home and ate my food, finished the windows. signed on talked to DM and gave him relationship advice, yeah a gay guy giving advice to a straight guy. so now i think that CH and DM are going out. then i signed off and started to write this. boring day on and off and on and off. pretty fun. I did talk to KL for a long time about a bunch of nothing, he really is a cool guy to talk to and i see us doing alot together but i'm not going to stress over it because i don't want to get my hopes all up and then nothing ever happen from this relationship. i also talked with JR, and she wants me to talk more about her so i guess i will. i really don't know what to say about her, we haven't done anything together. i guess i could tell you all about her birthday party with her last year. well i didn't really know anyone there because i didn't go to school with any of them. it was fun though i did get to see some people i hadn't seen like in three years. we had a ton of fun just hanging out and doing really nothing. we went swimming and sat on the trampoline while she opened her presents. i got her a photo box with a couple picture frames in it i believe. when it got a little later some of the people left but it was a really mello yellow thing going on and i sat in her room and listened to some music and just relaxed. it was really one of the best times i had that year. that was 1999, this year i have had a great party life this year. i love to just go to friends house and do like nothing because it is better than doing nothing at home. so back to JR. i am probably going to go to the movies with her on friday and she is going to maybe set me up with this guy i'll call him J for now because i don't know his last name yet. But JR tells me that she might be going to the movies with some people that go to Casa and i think i remember her saying somehting about this one girl i know, T(i don't know her last name), was going to be there and thats how JR met J, through T. okay that confused me so you just must be totally confused. Well JR i hope this makes you feel better. JR is like the most awesome girl in the world, she just has gone through alot with her boyfriend A (last name again???). i really hope she works everything out and no matter what happens in the end she need to remember that if she isn't happy than she needs to change the situation. okay JR? well i really am looking forward to having a i dunno close thing with a guy, i haven't touched a guy (like a hug or like holding hands) in like let me see... not last week, but the week before, on what?? may 23 and that was for one little night with AS(only my close friends get to know who he is). and that wasn't even that close because we weren't even in the mood to be in a close relationship and we just rough housed and it was the three of us... AS, JP, and me. so the fact that it was me, my now ex, and his best friend meant it wasn't a intamite setting. okay enough of that i am getting depressed. lets move on to CH and DM. Okay these two are like my really good friends and i really think they would be a good couple because they are looking for the same kind of thing. DM is off of a i would guess hard break up and CH isn't really ready for i serious relationship, i don't think. Well i love the fact that they may be getting together because then there wont be that akwardness that happens when two people like each other and they don't know each other like each other. the only thing i am really worried about is after they break up, are they going to do what me and AG did and never talk again?? well i hope you two seriously think about that and say that regaurdless of what happens you will not forget that you were friends first and should be friends forever.  so you guys be careful. what else to talk about??? i have had this problem all day i don't know what to talk about. i really think my mind is just starting to go because i know i have stuff to say but i can't rermember what. if you haven't been able to tell i spend alot of time online working on my site and maybe the electro magnetic waves from the laptop are going to my head and burning all my brain cells?? or it could be the wireless headphones that i use all the time. i love those thing, the best $100 investment i have ever made. they are really cool, they have awesome speakers in them and work at like a really long rang. i use them all the time, if they aren't on my head or around my neck they are charging. and they aren't the cheep ones that only work in line of sight they actually go through walls and thats why i really love them. i am going to get on of those remote things were it transfers the infered signal into a radio signal and then back into a infered. what that means is you have a remote that works annywere and you click and it sends a radio signal to a station by the device you are trying to use, and then it sends a infered signal to the radio, cd player or tv. it is a really cool thing. so that means i can be ouside laying out in the sun with my headphones on and then when a bad song comes on the radio i can switch to the cd player and put that on without having to get up. it is totally cool. well i am starting to talk about crap and should probably just like sign on post this and go to bed so i can rest and get ready to go to santa cruz, maybe. got to run, love you all, bye bye bye (sorry CH i always have to do the N SYNC thing even though its annoying) LOL.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n%%-->
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<!--%%text_26%%06-04-00... well today has been another day. i learned that there is always hope and always a good friend out there. DM, the guy i told i had feelings for, said he was okay with the whole thing but isn't gay. the fact that he is still talking to me is enough of a reason for me to be overjoyed, but the manner in which he talked to me and reasured me we are still friends really touched me and means alot to me. I should start at the begining though. i woke up and got online like usual, i wrote email to everone i know practicly and the one to DM telling him i liked him. i waited online for like the whole day and talked to JR for a long time like three hours. we talked about a bunch of stuff, mainly my relationships and her relationships and how we need to get together. we haven't really talked in a long time so it was really really great to talk to her and find out that she still cares about me even though it has been like 50 million years wince we have had like a serious conversation. well after i finished talking to her i worked on my website and then when my parents came home i helped them get all the stuff they brought from my uncles house together. see my uncle bought a house about five month ago and left like a month ago. he went back to oklahoma and left us to tend to his house and get the mail and all that kinda stuff. so they brought all the food down and anything small that we aren't leaving up there. see we found some people who may be interested in buying it so we are getting the personal stuff out of there and we are going to send it all to him. well i watched some of the realworld marathon and listened to some music and decided what the hell why not get back online. so i did and found JM, one of my friends in New Zealand was on. i found out he finally got together with this guy he had a crush on, and didn't even know he was gay. so i was happy for him and got to talk with CR. he seems really nice. well i ate dinner, mac and cheese with some hot dogs, really healthy. i got back online and saw that KL was on so i started to talk to him but then all of a sudden DM got on and i freaked. i told him to read his mail and then we had a really long chat while i was still talking to KL, and everyone else who had signed on, JR, AP, and CH. I really focused in on mine and DM conversation because it was like the most important thing. KL signed off and let CR sign on so i talked with him, and all this time i was working on my web page. i can really do fifty things at once and i am not joking when i say that. well i talked with DM for a long time and really found out he is a great guy, even better than i had dreamed. He said something to the extent that if he was gay, which he isn't he would go out with me. and that made me so happy it was unbelievable. i told him that i had like the biggest crush on him and that when he took my hand when we were boating that mad my week. he said that he would do that kinda stuff for me if i wanted just to see me happy. he really like to see his friends happy. i really think that he is a cool guy and i have the utmost respect for him. he has no idea what kind of favor he has done alowing me to be this truthful with him. i really think it is a step forward for me in my life. it means i can trust straight guys, at least guys like DM. he has taken this whole thing better than i could have hoped. okay i had to leave all my conversations because my parents wanted to have a movie night witch got canceled because they made me read instead. so i read a little and started to type this. I really like doing this because i never write down stuff like this now. i think that getting my thoughts down is really great. i can't say anything more than DM is a great guy and if he is reading this you are. i don't know how else to explain it but he contradicts every idea of the straight guy and how they react. i think that everyone is different now and some people are just was awesome people that deserve to know that. DM is the best straight guy friend a gay guy could have. he really is. well i have to get this posted and want to work on my friends page and maybe talk with DM a little more, and anyone else who is on. love you all and thanks for reading.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n%%-->
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<!--%%text_29%%06-03-00... Well today was another wonderful day off. Since the start of summer i have been spending alot more time with the people i love to hang out with. I spent today with CH, DM, and AP. They are all really great people and i enjoy just being with them because they offer the lighter side of life. well i woke up today around like 9:30 and i signed on first thing to find CH online. I talked with her and then KP signed on and i helped her out with her website. I hoped in the shower and got ready and ate some food. I helped KP with her website a little more. I found out from CH that DM and AP were going to be able to go over to her house and go out on her dad's boat and spend the day with them. i got ready and me and my mom went to raleys to get something to drink and some money. she dropped me off at CH's house around 12 and i hung out there watching Jack Frost (yeah in the middle of summer). Then AP showed up and we listened to some music and waited around for DM to come. He showed up and CH's dad came home and we got everything together and went down to raleys and subway. we got some stuff to eat and some stuff we needed to get for the day. well after that we went out and launched the boat, took some of the stuff to a little beach area and then went out on the water and ate our lunch. we listened ot some music and enjoyed hanging out. we went to get the tube to do some tubing and DM was the first one to jump in and go for it. DM is like a really cool guy, the first straight guy that i have told about myself. He took it okay but this whole day he seemed a little uncomforatable around me. I have like a huge crush on him and am going to send him an email in the morning telling him that. i hope i can get up the nerve to tell him that. i really like him and want him to know that so he can just shoot me down and tell me there is no possible way and hopefull i can still have some kind of relationship with him. well he was great at the tubing didn't fall off at all and CH's dad was tring to flip him. He had some fun doing that and when he hoped out of the boat he was soaking wet and damn that was such a beautiful thing. they all decided that they were going to con me into getting me to go out on the tube. i did it and thought it was fun but nothing really that special. not to dwell on DM but just i couldn't help but staring at him like the whole time. he probably noticed it but really i wanted him to noticed. we got all of our stuff together and went back to where we launched and took some of the stuff to the truck and got some gas for the boat. i got stuck staying with CH's dad down at the dock and missed an oppertunity to go to the bathroom with someone. damn can they make a gay guy more horney than i am?? we left the dock and went to salmon falls bridge. we watched crazies jump off the bridge and we decided to go for a swim. DM took off his shirt and i tried not to stare at him but damn that guy is hot and he has some kind of mystery to him, it was really nice. we got out and drove back to the dock and took the boat out and went back to CH's house. we just hung around her house and HH, the bigest bitch in the world had the nerve to call. I let her say like two words and thats it... "i'm really sorry about what i said"  then i said "well its a little late for that" and she said "well this conversation is going no were" and then she hung up. what a piss ant she just had to ruin my whole day with those few words. we went up to CH's room and i layed on her bed and CH went to take a shower. DM, AP, and myself talked about our sex lifes and some shit like that but i wasn't there i was tring to figure out how i was going to deal with HH but really i was thinking should i be saying all this stuff in front of DM. I really want him to like me even if it is just a friendship, it doesn't even have to be a close friendship but if it was that would be way better. I sat up there dwelling on DM and thinking how i could tell him that i liked him without him totally freaking out. I was also thinking how messed up i am because i have something, well not until he comes out to california, with a guy in New Zealand. So i was trying to think which one i would really rather be with if it came down to choosing and i really don't know. i don't even think i will ever have to choose. I mean KL, New Zealand guy, is really great i have gotten to know him alot and he seems really like a guy i could spend a long time with. The only problem is the distance and the fact that i don't think he is in it as much as i am. he may be coming out later this year and my goal is to be out of the closet by then and be able to meet him and be with him when he comes out. and then DM see i don't even know him but from the second i saw him on the last friday of school on our way to meet my dad who drove us to CH's house. When i saw him i said to myself there is something there that i want to know and i need to discove but i know it would be hard because it looked like he had somehting that he wanted to share with the world but can't. i don't know why but he drove me insane. okay now were was i... okay CH go tout of the shower and we went downstairs and out on the trampoline i believe. we layed out there and played a game of truth. we just asked a bunch of questions, and learned alot about each other i think. we just spent alot of time out there and then we went and ate a wounderful dinner that CH's dad made for us. We sat in the living room watching behind the music on no doubt. we played around a litlle after the dinner and then we sat down in the middle of the floor and ate some ice cream straight out of the carton. then we played with our spoons and got a little sick and dirty with the spoons, aka licking them and... just use your imagination and think of them as something other than spoons. Well we went back to the trampoline and i kinda just stole all the covers and layed right in the middle. i got a feel of DM leg and foot but thats all. then the three of them went under one blanket and i went and curled up in one by myself. then mine and AP parents came to pick us up. the two of us got up and left CH and DM on the trampoline right next to each other. then i left and went home layed in bed and thought about the day. got up and typed this. I forgot to tell you about the best part or most overwhelming part. When we were getting gas DM grabed my hand to pull the boat to the dock. It was one of those things were i saw the rest of my life flash in front of me and it was with him. i so bad wanted to stand up and kiss him on the spot but i know he isn't gay and i really don't want to ruin things with him. it was butterflies in the stomach and the feeling that you seek out all your life and want so bad. I really want to get to know him alot better even if we are only friends. Well i got to run. love you all. if you have any comments tell me i love to hear from my readers.\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n%%-->
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<DIV ALIGN=Center><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE="+3" >My Diary


</DIV></FONT><BR>For the consideration of my friends all names will be rplaced with initials or with simply the persons first name.


<BR>If you are having a hard time understanding all the initials, check out my friends section by clicking here...


<A HREF="http://www9.50megs.com/tonitiger23/friends.html" OnMouseOut="window.status=''; return true"  OnMouseOver="window.status='FRIENDS PROFILES'; return true">FRIENDS PROFILES</A>
<BR><BR>06-29-00... I am so sorry to all my devoted readers but i have been so busy. one word... RELATIONSHIP!!!!! yeah i got a new guy in my life, for once i think i am really happy. i am having the time of my life this summer and have so much stuff to do and have done. umm, let me see well, jonny, o by the way first names now and no initials!!!, he is great. We have gone on like one official date and that was after we meet once. yesterday was our two week aniversory (sp?). yeah one date in two weeks. let me explain a little, i went to my grandma's house and to laughlin, nevada. so i had to call him like every day and thats how we survived. so like when i got back we were supposed to do all this stuff but for some unknown reason he can't do stuff, grounded. doesn't want to tell me why, o well. so like i am loving the phone thing and i am leaving for another like 5 days so i'll do the phone thing again. but when i get beck we may be going camping!! yeah way cool, the two of us in a tent!! no nothing will happen but i will have time to really get to know him. and as far as i'm concerned we have like already made it throught the hard week apart and still have like this killer silent phone conversation thing. i can't get over how great and how hot he is cause he is like the hottest thing in the word. i can't believe it. the first day we met it was way awesome, we didn't really talk that much but we had that silent fun and we stared each other up and down. yeah he is the cutest. and then what well he called me and thats that, we hit it off and we want to stick it out for a really long time i hope, but i have learned from a really really good friend, jennifer that i can't set my sites that high cause like it may blow up in my face and it may not work out, who really care huh? i am having so much fun. it is so cool, i have never been this happy in my life!! so well i have to like hit it i got stuff to do and little time to do it. so sorry about the shortness but i really have had like no time to do stuff and i really am just trying to absorb life!! so let say bye bye bye for now!!


<BR><BR>06-12-00... Well i have to say that my week has been very busy because i haven't had a chance to post anything or even say i couldn't post anything, so sorry everyone who reads it daily. todays should make up for it. i'm going to recap the last few days and then tell you what will happen today because like it is only noon so i still have half the day to live. well i think my last update was the seventh so that means i have the eigth to start with. okay well on the 8th i was still in Aromas so JF and i woke up and got all the freaks out of the house. we got ready and drove to Santa Cruz. we shopped around there and then he took me to where my mom was and dropped me off and me and my mom drove home. so we got home like at 6 and we were really tired so we jsut layed around and did nothing. that was thursday. then on friday i got up like at 9:30 and got ready to go to the airport. i had to go and pick up my grandma. her flight was on time and everything so i have no good airport stories like the last time i went there. so after we picked her up we went to my sisters house and said hi and then came home. well my dad wanted to go check out the sale going on at the florin jcpenny outlet, so we drove down there. it was scary, very bad neighborhood. well i ended up getting two pairs of shorts and a pair of sandles that make me like 6'3" almost, they are scary. well we came home and then what?? umm i hate having a bad memory. it sucks. well i think we just hung out and ate dinner and did nothing. we had to get up like at 7 on saturday to go drive to atwater for my cousins graduation party, from 8th grade WOW. so we drove down there and i ate like a PIG, i never eat that much. i had two huge like footlong sandwiches, two platefulls of fruit salad, a plate of salad, half a can of olives, four pieces of cake, and then 2 grild cheese sandwiches, and another piece of cake, and i forgot the bowl of cereal and toast in the morning. so i was full. at the party nothing big happened. i got to play around with my cousin that lives in sacramento video camera. its pretty cool i want one now. well my cousin who graduated got freaking 175 dollars in cash then 50 gift certificate, and not to mention the money she got before so she had a grand total of like 335 dollars, for freaking graduation. i got nothing from my 8th grade graduation, it sucked. well i got over it and went to my grandparents house to say hi, and we talked and i got to check my mail and talked to JR. she still is the coolest person i know, that for you JR. umm okay then i came home and ummm let me think, i went online and checked my mail and chatted a little then my mom, myself, and my grandma went down to my aunts house to visit for the evening. then i got to look at my cousins yearbook and see everyone i know and see how much they have changed. well we came home from that and what did i do, umm i ate some cake and then i watched tv, and then went to bed and chatted for a little while. then sunday i got up like at 10 and got ready, then i called JR. i had plans to go to the mall with her and T but when i called, she was grounded. i still have to find put why and stuff but i don't think she is grounded anymore. so let me see after that i was really pissed and had nothing to do so me and my dad went golfing, and that was good cause i shot a 99 and that was the first time i stayed under 100. well we came home and then what, o yeah before we went golfing we went to blockbuster and bought me a second copy of the movie Cruel Intentions, so when i wear my first one out i have a second copy!!! how cool huh? well when we got home i ate and then watched tv listened to music and chatted i believe. then i ate again and my uncle showed up and he hung out for a while but i was still chatting so i didn't visit. then he left and i went upstairs and pluged my headphones into the stero and started to watch the matrix. watched that and ate cake and then i got up talked to my mom and then went to bed and no one was online so i went to bed, and plus the medicine i had taken puts you to sleep so i had like no control over my muscles and couldn't even hold my head up, it was a cool feeling. well then this morning i got up like at 11:30 and no one was home, but my mom left me like a list of things to do so i did a few of those things and i ate. then i finished up somemore of those thing and then i came into my room and checked my mail, noticed that JR wanted me to update my diary so i came in here and did that. well thats the wrap up except i avoided the J issue and what i am doing the rest of the day. wanna know? well i will tell you regaurdless. J is this guy JR knows that she told me about and i want to go out with. JR's best friend T knows J really well so she said he is a good guy and i should call him. so i did call him like on what day saturday but he wasn't home and he won't be home until later tonight so i have to wait until then and let the suspense build. scary for me but i don't know why i am totally freaked. i just want everything to be perfect i guess. well also i have a ton of stuff to do around the house cause we have my aunt and uncle from missouri with there three kids coming tomorrow so i have to childproff the house and stuff and clean and all this shit work, and i want to call J and then i will call JR and talke to her for like and hour or longer so that will be good. and i want to make plans to do something like wensday through like saturday before i leave to barstow to go get my car, a 1978 corvette. yeah i know what a great first car huh? well i should post this and get back to work, love ya all and thanks for taking the time ot read this.


<BR><BR>06-07-00... yeah again i am going to say what did i do today? well i don't have to do that today so lets start. i ended up staying up late and listening to the cd KP made for me. Thanks again for that KP i really loved it and of course you know what happened the first time i listened to it, well multiply by like 10 because i am in aromas and close to that person that i was crying over. thanks again for that and i really like it alot. okay back on track now, i finally got to sleep and then like no time at all i was up and it was like 7. so everyone was up and getting ready for work except for me and JF. so i got up and hoped in the shower. i got ready like in record time and TR left and then SF left (the people we are staying with). well i was up and then like was sitting around for my mom to get ready and o' my god, guess who walked in... JF, in just his shorts with no shirt!! okay yeah i know i get on little high trips. well i was just sitting around and my mom actually left by this time. JF came back in and then went up the spiral stairs to his parents room to take a shower. i happened to notice that he only had the stuff he had on (still shitless) and a towel. after a while i was sitting on the couch under the stairs and hear JF coming to start down the stairs. i looked up and o' my god again. yeah you know it huh... i saw it yes i did, it was like the best moment. well yeah that was great, he was just wrapped in a towel and thats it nothing else. small towel too. he also didn't just go straight outside and to his room he hung out a little bit and sat down and watched the show i was watch, i can't even remember what it was now because i was on such a high that nothing else was important. then he went out to his room and then i just started to do my own thing and got a little preoccupide with time and finnaly realized i was hungry. so i went out and told JF we need to run to mc donalds and get some food. so we did and someone was at the house when we got back. AS!!!! yeah i know what can you say?? he was really cool and i really just kinda melted because i really needed to see him. well after we hung around the house for a while we decided we should go do something so we went to the aquarium, and then to 17 mile drive and the carmel beach. we rushed through all that stuff cause we really wanted to get back to the house, where we were ataying so we could hang out with a bunch of these people (guys mainly). Well we knew my mom and JF parents weren't going to be home because they were staying at some people's house in capitola. okay so we got back to like the house around 1 i think (yeah quick trip) and we called all these people. about 10 or 11 guys showed up and then there was AS, JF, and me so thats like 13, 14 people. it was great, see these are guys i know inside and out and we know more about each other than we know about ourselves. Lets see there was three str8 guys and the rest of them were either gay or bi of course. JF is one of the str8 guys and thats why it was so weird to see him so comfy around me that morning in nothing but his towel. see i don't think of these guys as anything more than just the guys, i don't even count them as people who know that i am gay because really they don't care and half of them are still in the closet, just like me. so we just roughed around, and listened to some music. KP thanks again for that CD i had Adam listen to it with me and we both were in tears, as well as everyone else. it has like these two songs by the dixie chicks on it that are really really the most amazing songs in the world and really applied kinda to mine and AS situation. so you want to get to the intersting part?? well let me see... um we all decided to get ready to go to the beach in carmel. we were all like tired and everyone had just eaten. so we get ready and there are guys in just towels, nothing at all, the bathroom door is open with one guy in the shower a guy taking a piss and two guys in front of the mirror. get the picture?? well i have to have privacy so i took a shower in the upstairs room and had a peacefull shower. when i came down the stairs, guess who was on the couch shoving his tounge dowm some guys throught?? yeah AS. he jumped up and started to the stairs to explain and i walked down the stairs, and right up to him, gave him the biggest kiss i could give him and then squeezed my hand as tight as i could carried it up and back and hit him right bellow his left eye. shit it hurt my hand!! it bruised and turned colors like right away, and of course everyone stared at the whole thing. so as a rescue JF came and told the guy AS was tounging to leave and told AS to get the hell out of here. so that made me feel better that a str8 guy came to my rescue. everyone was happy to see AS leave because he is such a bastard now, and he is just not a good guy. everyone has been played by him and i just feel into the trap. okay so we finished getting ready and we all pilled into these few cars, and drove to carmel. when we got there it was pitch black dark but we had the flash light thing going on so we could still see. i just kinda hung out with JF the whole time because i was like pissed and happy and everything at once and the fact that he came to my rescue was like amazing. so everyone else basicly had there significant other with them and went and did there own thing but there was a group of like 4 people excluding me and JF that were going to sit and chat right by the water. so i wasn't in the mood to talk and i knew they were going to talk about the one thing i didn't want to and that was AS. so JF said "do you wanna walk" and i said yeah. we walked along the beach with the waves crashing on our feet and he did one thing i never would have suspected, he grabed my hand and held it. he told me that i looked like i needed someone and he was there for me but not to expect a sexual relationship and not even a boyfriend type thing, because he's str8 with bi sexual tendencies. so we walked hand in hand and then we sat down and he did exactly what i needed held me. i started to cry and he just sat there saying its going to be alright and that everything is going to be okay. well i fell asleep on him, and the next thing i no he is lifting me up to carry me to the car. he was having difficulty lifting me but it was the thought that counts right? so i leaned on him and he put his arm around me and we walked to the car. we pilled in, and me and him sat together and he told me to lay down and put my head in his lap and to go to sleep. so we drove back and unloaded. we went into the house and guys started to strip to there boxers left and right. we grabbed all the pillows off the couches and the sleeping mats they had and made one giant bed in the living room. only like three guys left after the beach. we all just layed around just kinda having deep thoughts and conversations. we had mellow music on low and lights out with the candles lite. i told JF that i needed to type somemore so he and i came into the office room. i poped open the laptop and started to type this. i layed on my stomach and he "stradled" me in a non-sexual way and gave me the best freaking back massage i have ever had in my life. he's still working all the nots out and reading over my sholder. well it is time for us to start to talk somemore and i want to have some conversation with JF, so i will post and go. love you all. bye bye bye hey i forogt to tell you that when we went to the 17 mile drive i saw so many freaking nice houses that i want to move there. i will maybe scan some of the flyers in and the pictures i took, and post them with the diary entries soon. it was really nice. i hope you guys like this stuff i know it is long but it is my life and i want to charish it forever. love you all bye bye bye


<BR><BR>06-06-00... Well days not quite over but i feel like doing this now so why not right? i got up really early today, well for me i mean, 7:00. i didn't really have much of a reason to get up that early but i just wanted to. umm let me see what did i do today??? well i layed around and watched some infomertials. then i did what? damn i hate this i can't remember what i did. i ate some cereal for breakfast and then i got ready. i got all gussied up and put on all of my jewlry; 5 rings, my watch, and three braclets. for what you ask... to simply drive to auto zone and had the truck fixed. that took like half an hour and then we went to our house and hung out while we waited for my sis and my dad to call. we invited my sis to have lunch with us when we went down to trader joe's. she said she was to busy and then my dad called and was amazed we got the car fixed. after that we went took the cans in and got 16 bucks. we went to trader joe's (a specialty grocerey and wine store) and we got some basic stuff and some wine. we went home after that and then spent like the next hour packing and getting stuff ready around the house so that we could leave my dad home and my mom and i could go to aromas and santa cruz for a couple days. so i moved the answering machine and put one on my own phone line and turned my ringer off so my dad wouldn't have to worry about my phone ringing off the hook. then i set timers for all the shows i am going to miss, the seasom premiere of real world and road rules, the brittnay in hawaii concert, and the mtv movie awards on thursday. we should really be back before that but thats a just in case situation. i don't remember what other pointless things i did but i spent alot of time packing. i am one of those people who takes like three full, packed, stuffed bags for like two nights. i can't leave with out everything. i brought the laptop, cds, discman, book, hair stuff, bathroom stuff, like 6 shirts, 2 pairs of pants, 3 pairs of shorts, my bathing suit and a white shirt, then what else umm like thats it, i forgot about my planner that is like a freaking huge thing. and then i have my stuff on and my jewlry, and all my linens that i have to have pillow and two fuzzy blankets. well i drove all the way to were we are stayong, thats like 192 miles and like 3 hours and 40 minutes. i only had to make one stop the whole way and had no major incidents. well we got here in one piece and are just hanging out. i am ready for bed and it is only like 9 oclock. well i will write about my exciting day tomorrow at santa cruz and then to capitola and the monteray bay aquarium, and we are going out to lunch with the people that are having us at out house. they said that the humpbacks are just off the coast of moss landing and we are going to see that. well got to run, love you all, and bye bye bye. hey there are some people i want to say hi to... DM and CH you too are going to be great together, and don't worry you guys will always be friends no matter what i have to do. and JR i really miss hanging with you and i want to get together with you and meet J okay?? KP you are awesome and we are going to get you in the studio super soon after we finish all the lyrics kay?? new zealand crew hope you are having fun, and AP you are a sick person but i still love ya. AG haven't heard from you :-( and i don't want to say anything to anyone else. and i want you all to know that the best people are your friends. and my friends are the best and i love to see you all happy. bye bye bye, love ya


<BR><BR>06-05-00... well to tell you all the truth i don't even really know what happened today. sure i did stuff but what? well i got up around 9:30 and then what??? i checked my mail and my web site, then went out and started to clean some windows. then i vacumed, checked to see if anyone was online. then i chatted for a while with some people and then i painted, and then signed off. painted why my mom went to the title company, and then signed back on. chatted worked on the site, signed of. went to the store and got food. came home and ate my food, finished the windows. signed on talked to DM and gave him relationship advice, yeah a gay guy giving advice to a straight guy. so now i think that CH and DM are going out. then i signed off and started to write this. boring day on and off and on and off. pretty fun. I did talk to KL for a long time about a bunch of nothing, he really is a cool guy to talk to and i see us doing alot together but i'm not going to stress over it because i don't want to get my hopes all up and then nothing ever happen from this relationship. i also talked with JR, and she wants me to talk more about her so i guess i will. i really don't know what to say about her, we haven't done anything together. i guess i could tell you all about her birthday party with her last year. well i didn't really know anyone there because i didn't go to school with any of them. it was fun though i did get to see some people i hadn't seen like in three years. we had a ton of fun just hanging out and doing really nothing. we went swimming and sat on the trampoline while she opened her presents. i got her a photo box with a couple picture frames in it i believe. when it got a little later some of the people left but it was a really mello yellow thing going on and i sat in her room and listened to some music and just relaxed. it was really one of the best times i had that year. that was 1999, this year i have had a great party life this year. i love to just go to friends house and do like nothing because it is better than doing nothing at home. so back to JR. i am probably going to go to the movies with her on friday and she is going to maybe set me up with this guy i'll call him J for now because i don't know his last name yet. But JR tells me that she might be going to the movies with some people that go to Casa and i think i remember her saying somehting about this one girl i know, T(i don't know her last name), was going to be there and thats how JR met J, through T. okay that confused me so you just must be totally confused. Well JR i hope this makes you feel better. JR is like the most awesome girl in the world, she just has gone through alot with her boyfriend A (last name again???). i really hope she works everything out and no matter what happens in the end she need to remember that if she isn't happy than she needs to change the situation. okay JR? well i really am looking forward to having a i dunno close thing with a guy, i haven't touched a guy (like a hug or like holding hands) in like let me see... not last week, but the week before, on what?? may 23 and that was for one little night with AS(only my close friends get to know who he is). and that wasn't even that close because we weren't even in the mood to be in a close relationship and we just rough housed and it was the three of us... AS, JP, and me. so the fact that it was me, my now ex, and his best friend meant it wasn't a intamite setting. okay enough of that i am getting depressed. lets move on to CH and DM. Okay these two are like my really good friends and i really think they would be a good couple because they are looking for the same kind of thing. DM is off of a i would guess hard break up and CH isn't really ready for i serious relationship, i don't think. Well i love the fact that they may be getting together because then there wont be that akwardness that happens when two people like each other and they don't know each other like each other. the only thing i am really worried about is after they break up, are they going to do what me and AG did and never talk again?? well i hope you two seriously think about that and say that regaurdless of what happens you will not forget that you were friends first and should be friends forever.  so you guys be careful. what else to talk about??? i have had this problem all day i don't know what to talk about. i really think my mind is just starting to go because i know i have stuff to say but i can't rermember what. if you haven't been able to tell i spend alot of time online working on my site and maybe the electro magnetic waves from the laptop are going to my head and burning all my brain cells?? or it could be the wireless headphones that i use all the time. i love those thing, the best $100 investment i have ever made. they are really cool, they have awesome speakers in them and work at like a really long rang. i use them all the time, if they aren't on my head or around my neck they are charging. and they aren't the cheep ones that only work in line of sight they actually go through walls and thats why i really love them. i am going to get on of those remote things were it transfers the infered signal into a radio signal and then back into a infered. what that means is you have a remote that works annywere and you click and it sends a radio signal to a station by the device you are trying to use, and then it sends a infered signal to the radio, cd player or tv. it is a really cool thing. so that means i can be ouside laying out in the sun with my headphones on and then when a bad song comes on the radio i can switch to the cd player and put that on without having to get up. it is totally cool. well i am starting to talk about crap and should probably just like sign on post this and go to bed so i can rest and get ready to go to santa cruz, maybe. got to run, love you all, bye bye bye (sorry CH i always have to do the N SYNC thing even though its annoying) LOL.


<BR><BR>06-04-00... well today has been another day. i learned that there is always hope and always a good friend out there. DM, the guy i told i had feelings for, said he was okay with the whole thing but isn't gay. the fact that he is still talking to me is enough of a reason for me to be overjoyed, but the manner in which he talked to me and reasured me we are still friends really touched me and means alot to me. I should start at the begining though. i woke up and got online like usual, i wrote email to everone i know practicly and the one to DM telling him i liked him. i waited online for like the whole day and talked to JR for a long time like three hours. we talked about a bunch of stuff, mainly my relationships and her relationships and how we need to get together. we haven't really talked in a long time so it was really really great to talk to her and find out that she still cares about me even though it has been like 50 million years wince we have had like a serious conversation. well after i finished talking to her i worked on my website and then when my parents came home i helped them get all the stuff they brought from my uncles house together. see my uncle bought a house about five month ago and left like a month ago. he went back to oklahoma and left us to tend to his house and get the mail and all that kinda stuff. so they brought all the food down and anything small that we aren't leaving up there. see we found some people who may be interested in buying it so we are getting the personal stuff out of there and we are going to send it all to him. well i watched some of the realworld marathon and listened to some music and decided what the hell why not get back online. so i did and found JM, one of my friends in New Zealand was on. i found out he finally got together with this guy he had a crush on, and didn't even know he was gay. so i was happy for him and got to talk with CR. he seems really nice. well i ate dinner, mac and cheese with some hot dogs, really healthy. i got back online and saw that KL was on so i started to talk to him but then all of a sudden DM got on and i freaked. i told him to read his mail and then we had a really long chat while i was still talking to KL, and everyone else who had signed on, JR, AP, and CH. I really focused in on mine and DM conversation because it was like the most important thing. KL signed off and let CR sign on so i talked with him, and all this time i was working on my web page. i can really do fifty things at once and i am not joking when i say that. well i talked with DM for a long time and really found out he is a great guy, even better than i had dreamed. He said something to the extent that if he was gay, which he isn't he would go out with me. and that made me so happy it was unbelievable. i told him that i had like the biggest crush on him and that when he took my hand when we were boating that mad my week. he said that he would do that kinda stuff for me if i wanted just to see me happy. he really like to see his friends happy. i really think that he is a cool guy and i have the utmost respect for him. he has no idea what kind of favor he has done alowing me to be this truthful with him. i really think it is a step forward for me in my life. it means i can trust straight guys, at least guys like DM. he has taken this whole thing better than i could have hoped. okay i had to leave all my conversations because my parents wanted to have a movie night witch got canceled because they made me read instead. so i read a little and started to type this. I really like doing this because i never write down stuff like this now. i think that getting my thoughts down is really great. i can't say anything more than DM is a great guy and if he is reading this you are. i don't know how else to explain it but he contradicts every idea of the straight guy and how they react. i think that everyone is different now and some people are just was awesome people that deserve to know that. DM is the best straight guy friend a gay guy could have. he really is. well i have to get this posted and want to work on my friends page and maybe talk with DM a little more, and anyone else who is on. love you all and thanks for reading.


<BR><BR>06-03-00... Well today was another wonderful day off. Since the start of summer i have been spending alot more time with the people i love to hang out with. I spent today with CH, DM, and AP. They are all really great people and i enjoy just being with them because they offer the lighter side of life. well i woke up today around like 9:30 and i signed on first thing to find CH online. I talked with her and then KP signed on and i helped her out with her website. I hoped in the shower and got ready and ate some food. I helped KP with her website a little more. I found out from CH that DM and AP were going to be able to go over to her house and go out on her dad's boat and spend the day with them. i got ready and me and my mom went to raleys to get something to drink and some money. she dropped me off at CH's house around 12 and i hung out there watching Jack Frost (yeah in the middle of summer). Then AP showed up and we listened to some music and waited around for DM to come. He showed up and CH's dad came home and we got everything together and went down to raleys and subway. we got some stuff to eat and some stuff we needed to get for the day. well after that we went out and launched the boat, took some of the stuff to a little beach area and then went out on the water and ate our lunch. we listened ot some music and enjoyed hanging out. we went to get the tube to do some tubing and DM was the first one to jump in and go for it. DM is like a really cool guy, the first straight guy that i have told about myself. He took it okay but this whole day he seemed a little uncomforatable around me. I have like a huge crush on him and am going to send him an email in the morning telling him that. i hope i can get up the nerve to tell him that. i really like him and want him to know that so he can just shoot me down and tell me there is no possible way and hopefull i can still have some kind of relationship with him. well he was great at the tubing didn't fall off at all and CH's dad was tring to flip him. He had some fun doing that and when he hoped out of the boat he was soaking wet and damn that was such a beautiful thing. they all decided that they were going to con me into getting me to go out on the tube. i did it and thought it was fun but nothing really that special. not to dwell on DM but just i couldn't help but staring at him like the whole time. he probably noticed it but really i wanted him to noticed. we got all of our stuff together and went back to where we launched and took some of the stuff to the truck and got some gas for the boat. i got stuck staying with CH's dad down at the dock and missed an oppertunity to go to the bathroom with someone. damn can they make a gay guy more horney than i am?? we left the dock and went to salmon falls bridge. we watched crazies jump off the bridge and we decided to go for a swim. DM took off his shirt and i tried not to stare at him but damn that guy is hot and he has some kind of mystery to him, it was really nice. we got out and drove back to the dock and took the boat out and went back to CH's house. we just hung around her house and HH, the bigest bitch in the world had the nerve to call. I let her say like two words and thats it... "i'm really sorry about what i said"  then i said "well its a little late for that" and she said "well this conversation is going no were" and then she hung up. what a piss ant she just had to ruin my whole day with those few words. we went up to CH's room and i layed on her bed and CH went to take a shower. DM, AP, and myself talked about our sex lifes and some shit like that but i wasn't there i was tring to figure out how i was going to deal with HH but really i was thinking should i be saying all this stuff in front of DM. I really want him to like me even if it is just a friendship, it doesn't even have to be a close friendship but if it was that would be way better. I sat up there dwelling on DM and thinking how i could tell him that i liked him without him totally freaking out. I was also thinking how messed up i am because i have something, well not until he comes out to california, with a guy in New Zealand. So i was trying to think which one i would really rather be with if it came down to choosing and i really don't know. i don't even think i will ever have to choose. I mean KL, New Zealand guy, is really great i have gotten to know him alot and he seems really like a guy i could spend a long time with. The only problem is the distance and the fact that i don't think he is in it as much as i am. he may be coming out later this year and my goal is to be out of the closet by then and be able to meet him and be with him when he comes out. and then DM see i don't even know him but from the second i saw him on the last friday of school on our way to meet my dad who drove us to CH's house. When i saw him i said to myself there is something there that i want to know and i need to discove but i know it would be hard because it looked like he had somehting that he wanted to share with the world but can't. i don't know why but he drove me insane. okay now were was i... okay CH go tout of the shower and we went downstairs and out on the trampoline i believe. we layed out there and played a game of truth. we just asked a bunch of questions, and learned alot about each other i think. we just spent alot of time out there and then we went and ate a wounderful dinner that CH's dad made for us. We sat in the living room watching behind the music on no doubt. we played around a litlle after the dinner and then we sat down in the middle of the floor and ate some ice cream straight out of the carton. then we played with our spoons and got a little sick and dirty with the spoons, aka licking them and... just use your imagination and think of them as something other than spoons. Well we went back to the trampoline and i kinda just stole all the covers and layed right in the middle. i got a feel of DM leg and foot but thats all. then the three of them went under one blanket and i went and curled up in one by myself. then mine and AP parents came to pick us up. the two of us got up and left CH and DM on the trampoline right next to each other. then i left and went home layed in bed and thought about the day. got up and typed this. I forgot to tell you about the best part or most overwhelming part. When we were getting gas DM grabed my hand to pull the boat to the dock. It was one of those things were i saw the rest of my life flash in front of me and it was with him. i so bad wanted to stand up and kiss him on the spot but i know he isn't gay and i really don't want to ruin things with him. it was butterflies in the stomach and the feeling that you seek out all your life and want so bad. I really want to get to know him alot better even if we are only friends. Well i got to run. love you all. if you have any comments tell me i love to hear from my readers.


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